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Archive for Humor Me

Heeeyyyyyy… Farty Pants!!

Flatulence in the elevator? Take our Quiz! Win a Whoopie Cushion?

When the shit goes down, I usually :

A. Pretend it wasn’t me!

B. Ask someone to open a window?

C. Kill the obvious offender (or the person I find the most offensive)

If someone is convinced it was me :

A. Let out a second blast to confirm and stand my ground while proudly stating “it’s not THAT bad”

B. Strangle my ass by crossing my thighs and hoping for the best !!!!

C. Deny, deny, deny. Lie through my teeth like the guilty motherfucker I am!

To be continued… (as soon as this cloud clears!)

Why r u still using a Keyboard?

Time for a new phone. So I asked a friend to let me test drive a **hemorrhoid home** waiting of course for the release of the new iPhone in the fall.

Turns out that Google’s voice typing is funny as hell (**Android phone – although I’m keeping hemorrhoid!!) BUTT (sic) it can hardly be considered an effective dictation recorder.

Anonymous usage report? Gee, thanks Google!! They only gave me three choices…

Intonation choices: Expressive (fuck you Charlie,) somewhat expressive (you Bastardo),  FLAT (politically correct) and off. No REDNECK setting.

STILL on holiday and can hardly wait to get back to The Studios to record more audio gems!! (Join our listener list or look for it here)

At best it’s improved greatly since I last looked at AI and at worse it’s a waste of my time…

We really miss Bill Hicks

  • I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, “Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.” This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don’t think a Marlboro Light’s gonna faze him that much.

DOUBLE TAP: 

  • You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.” “How do you know that?” “Uh, well … we looked at the receipts. But as soon as that check clears, we’re goin’ in. What time’s the bank open? Eight? We’re going in at nine. We’re going in for God and country and democracy and here’s a fetus and he’s a Hitler. Whatever you fucking need, let’s go. Get motivated behind this, let’s go!”

The Ogre in Germany

“I love German beer”
“Please shut up”
“Like Carlsberg”
“That’s Danish”
“Heineken”
“Dutch”
“Budweiser”
“Thats you”
“Guinness”
“I hate you”
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Uphemisms | “De-confliction?

EQ12o

Heard a real zinger on the radio last week. Sure, Pammykins can bitch at me for “non-words” but this one is completely new! THIS IS NOT A FUCKING WORD !!

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WHY are so many Amerikins “gun-retarded?”

Big hairy man monkey thing

Big hairy man monkey thing

Maybe it’s because their male children are unfairly influenced by that country’s penchant for military service? Read the rest of this entry »

I want to assfuck Donald Trump!

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