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Here’s the short list of stuff that sucks.

Sweatpants: Nothing says “I fail at life” like a pair of ash-grey sweatpants. At least, switch to trackpants, which basically say “I fail at life, but at least I made it as a successful cocaine dealer”. There are however some exceptions, such as this:

The only acceptable use of sweatpants.



Big-ass umbrellas: Like the great Lewis Black once said, if a dude goes to college for 16 years, he becomes a doctor and gains the amazing right (and duty) to shove a thermometer up my ass. The dude studied for 16 years – he EARNED it.

However, just because you bought a huge sunshade-style umbrella at Wal*Fart doesn’t mean you’re allowed to shove its rusty tips into my eyeballs while walking down the street. Fuckin’ watch it already, people. Thanks to Olivier at work for pointing this out; I’ve been having these fits of rage when walking around the street in the rain and couldn’t quite put my finger on why.

Homeless guys who defecate in public – If I had lost the musical chair game of life, ended up living in the gutter, begging for change, and was afflicted with severe schizophrenia and sociopathy, I probably would also, on a daily basis, squat in front of the subway station entrance and let loose a pile of crap for the dual purpose of effectively blocking it and revolting people out, disturbing the delicate fabric of society in the process. But I’m thinking there are probably easier ways to do that.

“You shat in front of those subway doors on purpose, you vile fucker.”

Finally, I promised a few weeks ago that I’d list some of the things I like, for a change. Here it is:

Sleeping bags: They’re soft, comfy, cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It’s like some kind of magic – rainbows, unicorns and sleeping bags. They also smell good. I love sleeping bags.

Sloppy kiss scenes in movies: Look at the kiss scenes in Twelve Monkeys, Pulp Fiction, Punch Drunk Love… they just make me all fuzzy inside.

Awwwww!

Waterworld: Yeah, so what? It’s Mad Max on water, with shitty extras. Was it really that bad? Ok maybe, but uh… Dennis Hopper was ok! And uh… it actually made money. That’s all I got.
That’s it – print it!

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