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NEWZ! « This is NOT Amerika®

German Chancellor Angela Merkel and THE REST OF THE WORLD attempt to reason with the spoon-fed U.S. schoolboy. EMBARRASSING!

After 10 years at this, we’re bringing back an oldie but goodie. Starting in October 2018, we will crack open the audio vault and re-release highlights and Newlights of our award-winning series on fucked-up America.

We tried to stay away, but this trump fucker just keeps getting stupider and stupider! In short, there is just TOO MUCH FREE comedy GOLD to resist. This MORON keeps handing out beauties that just beg to be fondled…

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Nintendo Wii Bowling Accident

We offer this to you as a PUBLIC SERVICE announcement… (TRY) not to laugh!

Step-by-Step Guide to Using a Chinese Public Bathroom

chinese-toilet1.jpg


Preparation
Make sure you have tissues, sanitizer, and especially your P-Mate out of your bags. Post up your bags on the hooks, and if there are none provided make sure you have your bags securely fastened (duct tape?) so they don’t fall or swing out while you are relieving yourself.
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It’s ALL Shit !

Religion and Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Buddhism: It is only the illusion of shit happening.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Jehovah’s Witness: Knock knock. Shit happens.

Atheism: There is no such thing as shit.

Agnosticism: Mabe shit happens – and maybe it doesn’t.

Protestantism: Shit won’t happen if I work harder.

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?

Televangelism: Send money or shit will happen to you.

Rastafarianism: Smoke that shit.

Unitarianism: Who gives a shit!


A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: ‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: ‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’

The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: ‘I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!! YOU USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!’

———

**WARNING!**
DO NOT ZOOM !!!

 

ShaZam !!

(and if you think the above is gross, you ain’t seen below! – and we HIGHLY recommend you DON’T!)

rabble-the-rouser.gifDANGER!
Will Robinson,
DANGER!!

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