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TECH | i can’t hack IT any more!

Gone are the days of hero worship, being the most popular kid at school. No more thanks from the teachers while you give them free “IT training” ( which has been simplified by a factor of 10 to take into account the massive drag factor of their brain) caused by trying to understand a complex problem during a school assigned coffee break.

The computing world is a very different place now.

Hacking is no longer a true art form, born by geniuses of the past. It’s now the realm of script kiddies, social misfits and the criminal underworld.

Hackers were people who could fix anything, find problems or formulas to solve problems people didn’t even know existed. In fact most hackers of the 80’s worked at processor level and really understood the difference between an NAND and NOR gates.

Hacking nowadays is more about finding weaknesses in badly written software than discovering flaws in processor design. Modern days hackers probabally don’t even know the difference between paging and swapping, and the rest are still trying to figure out the difference between a stool and a stool. Hacking is very much like star wars, you can be good or evil, or wear a thin white dress or black plastic cup.

The temptation to be evil could easily outweigh the temptation to be good.

“I have lost count the amounts of money I have been offered in the past to hack company computers. I would live a happy life if I never get another call asking me to hack someones wife to see if they have been cheating.”

The real problem today is the sheer amount of kiddie-fiddlers finding flaws or back doors in software that everyone pays well over the odds for and only uses 2% of the software capabilities. They discover these flaws because they find tools written by clever people which have been leaked or given away to the uninitiated.

It’s like giving a loaded gun to a Chihuahua who you have just shaved bold with a blunt razor – totally unpredictable!!!!

One other thing I would like to get off my chest to all of you lovely readers, please NEVER ask a real hacker to teach you how to hack. It’s like me asking you to teach me English, French and Spanish in the next five minutes. It takes years to learn how to program computers, then years more to dig through all the bugs in the operating system you program on. You never want to learn it anyway, it’s quicker to hire a thug and a PI to find out the information you really require.

Most hackers are scared shitless of being arrested and the rest of them would not do anything anyway. Would you rob a bank if I asked you, so why ask me to hack someone a company it’s the same as breaking and entering. However it’s not all doom and gloom, most hackers are at the forefront of technology, they push the boundries and cause evolutional step forwards in the way we think of technologies.

Hackers are inventors, they are the poets of the digital highway, simplifying, structuring and focusing the direction of technologies and the Internet.

“If I could fly in the deep blue sky, over clouds of thoughts and number naughts, where logic rules and data glees and dream of things like code for free.”

Hackers solve problems, they simplify equations they think “out of the box” but sometimes to solve a problem you have to take a step backwards. Sometimes that step it back to the beginning.

Too many people today are standing on the shoulders of giants, learning solved problems which may be in error. Basing the future on mistakes and the miscomprehended.

If you don’t learn the mistakes of the past you can easily be mistakes of the future. A real genius questions facts, they laugh in the face of assumptions and tickle the nose of misunderstanding. People make mistakes every day, we are not all me. If they then write a book about it other people then learn their mistakes as truths.

The computer industry is full of, to be frank bull-shitters.

Information technology is a massive subject far too much for any single person to understand or comprehend. If you have never heard your local computer expert say “I don’t know” then he is probabaly a bull shitter or a rare genius, or both a bullshitting rare genius (we do exists) aparently.

People often ask me why are there so many accroynms in the computer industry, the answer is simple. There is a limited supply of ink on this planet and we don’t want all our so called experts overdosing on ink or toner fumes.

Or who would fix that niggling little bug in your accounts software. The bottom line is that it was probabaly introduced so that you had to upgrade to version 2.0 and pay for another years support. I mean for goodness sake, have you ever had to pay to upgrade your polo to one without a hole? I mean who gets of with making stupid programming mistakes and charges you for an upgrade to fix their own fuck ups?? Or sells you support contacts because you can’t understand the swaheely the user manual is written in, (it often looks like they are written by blind dislexit tacktile dwarfs suffering from some kind of beard induced nervous twitching dissorder) or the fact that version 3 would be out before you finished the manuals index page.

In fact, any document which has a page of references or definitions at the start should be finely chopped and fed with carrots and a slightly sour but palletable white wine sauce, to the author.

Who is then chained to an unexpecting and unexploded flatulent narcaleptic bald rhino and whipped to within an inch of his or her life. Or alternatively you could always go out and buy another vendors version 1.0 and start over again. Rhino 2 on standby. Please please please, any manufacturer who is thinking of producing a product simular to and existing product , could they make a mental note to ” fuck off and die”.

I am fed up to the back teeth of trying to find out which is the best Dvd player or hair dryer.

Build something new for gods sake, if there is a hair dryer out there invent a better one, maybe one that drys your arse hole while simultaneously perming and fragrance-ing your long tweeted and smelling cunt hair.

Why make an identical one, if you plan to make a cheaper one forget it, it will be crap and spend most of it’s life being an argumentative point between a middle aged sales man with a very small penis and the original purchaser who thought he was getting a deal but did not realist he would get hypertension returning it to a thick dumbass twat that thinks wearing a white shirt and rolling up the sleves is some kind of power hungry fashion statement.

Who thinks that he has “the power to give you a refund”, well I am sorry but i have the power to insert that useless piece of plastic unoriginal crap junk designed by a moron who thinks copying other products is “a really good idea” into a cavity where the sun don’t shine and dogs like to lick.

That brings me onto checkout staff, who come in two breeds; the innocent young girl who calls over the to annoy to a member of staff who is sitting behind a desk reading a magazine article on how to increase the size of her breasts which are probably already hanging around her knees:-)

“She should be on the bloody checkout she knows the fucking drill, so she should be practicing it.”

The other type of checkout girl, is the possessed demon from hell who has not yet learn the basic fundamentals of the English language a prefers to communicate in a assortment of twisted sadistic often spine tingling chilling stares.

There is a very sophisticate range of stares, from the “you’ve piled your items up too high so I will stop the convayour belt and watch all your items crash over.” To the “well don’t look at me, you piled them on the conveyor so you can pack them at this speed too!”

Just one lightning bolt, that’s all I ask,  is it too much?

Dave Duke is an IT specialist living in the UK
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