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holy-land

Visit the Holy Land Experience for free on your birthday! - Just bring proof of your birthday to the ticket booth. We'll also have a special treat to help celebrate! Yeah man, FREE. Cuz that's the ONLY fuckin' way you'll see my ass there...

Located in sunny Orlando, Florida, just miles from the “Happiest Place on Earth,” Universal Studios and Sea World, The Holy Land Experience, a bible based “theme” park, invites holy rollers and crack pots to partake in a whirlwind adventure back in time, to a place called Jerusalem, where Roman soldiers cheat the natives, spit at the lepers and beat the living fuck out of a carpenter/Messiah named Jesus Christ, the only son of God.

Although the park features an ass ton of coolness, such as a scale model of Jerusalem and photo-ops with Pontius Pilot, the greatest component of The Holy Land Experience is none other than the re-enactment of the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Christ, which occurs six bloody days a week.  I hear it’s fucking fabulous, and totally interactive,  complete with a “splash zone.”

As an added treat, on Friday nights, after Jesus relinquishes his soul to the Heavenly Father, the sky actually blackens, signaling the start of a spectacular fireworks display.

fireworks1

Admission to The Holy Land Experience is quite affordable.  For a mere 35 smackers, an adult can obtain a one day pass and the opportunity to witness the ridiculous trial; the humiliating mockery; the abhorring beatings; the brutal scourging and the horrific crucifixion of the Lord and Savior.  For 15 dollars more, an adult can obtain a two day pass, and for 20 dollars more than that, an adult can obtain a three day pass.  Personally, I think the Jerusalem Gold Pass Annual Membership, for the low, low price of 120 dollars is the best value.  With the Gold Pass, you are automatically guaranteed a spot in heaven.  Plus, you can have a fucking blast all fucking year long while proving the magnitude of your love for, and commitment to Jesus Christ…and simulated murder.

Notice the smiling, crippled woman, looking fondly at her beloved Lord and Savior.  See how much fun she is having at The Holy Land Experience!

Jesus may have been spared this day had he only healed the cripples. Better luck next time, eh?

For those who wish to include their families on this trip, you will be happy to know that children five years of age and under can witness the re-enactment of the most famous murder this world has ever known for FREE! That’s right!  Your pre-school aged son(s) and/or daughter(s) can witness the betrayal of the Jews and the twisted torture/death of the man whom you and your church proclaim as the bestest, most best man that has ever walked the earth, and it won’t cost a red cent…just the mental health of your offspring, but whatev-ah, right?!

This is Jesus, with his fabulous, non blood matted hair, talking with an innocent child just minutes before the beginning of the end.

This is Jesus, with his fabulous, non-blood matted hair, talking with an innocent child just minutes before the beginning of the end.

At this juncture, I’d like to give thanks to Trinity Broadcasting Network, a Cali based christian empire, who, more than likely, as typical with many Televangelist pricks, have more fucking money than God.  If not for Trinity, who bought this God awful, dying “theme” park from whoever the fuck owned it in the first fucking place, America would be sans Jesus.

Note: view this “glorious” park in Bill Maher’s new feature film “RELIGULOUS. He interviews JESUS CHRIST! for fucks sake!

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