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Stupid Jack says “Fuck You!” to the Devil…

Now that fall has finally arrived, and we have entered the month of October, grocery stores are selling over priced bags of candy that are cleverly packaged in orange and black wrappers.

Being a consumer, (as well as a long time trick-or-treater), I am fucking pissed off that the “fun-size” Halloween candy, which in my esteemed opinion, was scanty at best, has now been reduced to a scrap of paper or a bit of foil lightly smeared with chocolate.  Hell, when I was a kid, I’d get human-sized candy bars and bags of Skittles, M&M’s, etc.

Another aspect of Halloween that has changed for the worse are the trick-or-treating hours.  In my neighborhood, kids have to pack it in at seven or eight o’clock.  What?!  As a child, the kids where I lived ran the streets and begged for candy until at least nine o’ fucking clock.  On Halloween night, we stayed out even later!

Despite these downfalls, Halloween still kicks ass… but only in regards to dressing up in costume and the receiving of free candy.  Halloween activities can kiss my ass.  My least favorite activity is pumpkin carving.  I loathe pumpkin carving.  Pumpkin carving is the bane of my existence.  Fortunately for me, I have managed to avoid the act of pumpkin carving for most of my adulthood, having only done it twice.  I care not that my daughter fancies Jack O’ Lanterns.

For those readers who have children…and like their children…and want to make their children happy by gutting out gourds, thereby making a huge fucking mess on the kitchen floor that their beloved offspring most likely will not help clean up…I have decided to share some history about pumpkin carving for you to enjoy.  Enjoy, damn it!

The practice of carving Jack O’ Lanterns originated from an Irish myth about a man called Stingy Jack.

According to the story, Stingy Jack invited the Devil to have a drink with him. (Hell, yeah!)

True to his name, Stingy Jack didn’t want to pay for his drink, so he convinced the Devil to turn himself into a coin that Jack could use to pay for the drinks.  Once the Devil did so, Jack (that sneaky bastard) put the coin in his pocket next to a silver cross, which prevented the Devil from resuming his original form.  Jack (that STOOPID mother-fucker) eventually freed the Devil, with the stipulation that the Devil would not bother Jack for one year and that, should Jack die, the Devil would not claim his soul.  The next year, Jack tricked the Devil again (What?!) by convincing him to climb a fruit tree and pick a piece of fruit.  While the Devil was in the tree, Jack carved a sign of the cross into the tree’s bark so that the Devil could not climb down until he promised Jack that he wouldn’t bother him for ten more years.

Soon after, Stingy Jack died.  As the legend goes, God would not allow such an unsavory figure into heaven.

The Devil, upset by the tricks Jack had played on him and keeping his word not to claim that fucking idiot’s soul, would not allow him to enter hell.  Instead, he sent Jack off into the black night with only a burning coal to light his way.  Jack placed the coal inside a hollowed turnip and has been roaming the Earth ever since.  The Irish began to refer to this ghostly figure as “Jack of the Lantern,” which was very cleverly and unexpectedly shortened to Jack O’ Lantern.

In Ireland and Scotland, people began to use turnips or potatoes to host their macabre carvings in honor of Stingy Jack, whom I affectionately call, Fucking Retard.  Immigrants from these countries brought the tradition of Jack O’ Lantern carving with them to North America, where they soon discovered that pumpkins make better lanterns than stupid turnips and potatoes.

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