When I hear people describe my personality, or more correctly, my attributes as a human being, I often times hear, “Oh, that Pam…she is so funny, smart, HONEST, blah, blah, fucking blah…” Honest? Really??? How does anyone truly know whether or not I am an honest individual? I’d say that I am as honest as I see fit. I am by no stretch a compulsive liar. I don’t wake up in the morning and invent a bunch of bullshit stories to tell my family, my friends, or my co-workers; however, throughout the course of my life, I am certain that I have told a myriad of deceptions, some of which, I am very fucking proud.
For one to be totally honest, one must admit that they are NOT honest.
Therefore, to be regarded as TOTALLY honest, one must learn to lie effectively!
Because I am a spectacular individual, [if not an honest one], I have composed a list of the tell-tale signs of deception in order to improve your effectiveness as a bonafide Graduate “Fibber”.
Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few hand and arm movements. Keep these things in the front of your paranoid mind when you’re lying to your parents about the large quantity of pot you smoked at Timmy’s last weekend.
A person who is lying to you will USUALLY avoid eye contact. Do yourself a favor and wear some fucking sunglasses when lying to your parents about your excessive pot use. This way, you can give the illusion that you are looking directly at them.
Touching or scratching of the nose or behind the ear indicates deception. Refrain from these gestures, even though the smoking of pot makes you feel tingly and self-conscious, or gives you the sensation that spiders are crawling up your nose; in which case, you were probably dropping acid in addition to tokin’ reefer. [You Krazy fuck!]
Verbal Context and Content
A liar will use the very words of the accuser when answering a question. For example, when your wife asks, “Did you fuck babysitter?” do not reply with, “No, I did not fuck the babysitter.”
A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful. For example, when your wife asks, “Why did you fuck the babysitter?” reply with, “I didn’t. Bitch, you’re crazy!” keeping in mind that you should not use the accuser’s words to answer questions.
The guilty person may speak MORE than is normal for him/her, as silence makes liars feel uncomfortable. For example, when your wife asks, “Why are you so late getting home from work?” do not reply with “Well, dear, you know…after I punched out, I got this overwhelming need to shit. Sooooo…I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet forever,” and so on and so forth.
Interactions and Reactions
A liar is uncomfortable facing his accuser and will turn his/her body away. Keep this in mind when you are trying to hide the massive erection, which is undoubtedly inspired by Tammy, the babysitter. Might I suggest a text book? History books, in my esteemed opinion, are the best choice.
A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and the accuser. Books, eh? SHIT!
A guilty person gets DEFENSIVE. An innocent person will often go on the offensive. Yeah. I ain’t gots shit for this one.
Basically, it comes down to this: Don’t be a fucking fuckwad ! Don’t be a fucking pussy. Just tell the fucking truth already; even if you are an acid dropping, pot smoking, babysitter balling, son-of-cunt.