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AMERICA: One Big Yard Sale!

InBev Combined Menu: Stella, Budweiser, Beck's, Hoegaarden, Leffe, Brahma, Staropramen, Michelob, Rolling Rock

On July 14th 2008, BBC News reported that the $52 billion takeover bid for the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Co. offered by InBev, the makers of the divine, Stella Artois, had been accepted by the Anheuser board. The combined company will now be known as Anheuser-Busch InBev. Wow. Clever fucking name, huh?

The report also stated that none of Anheuser’s US breweries will be closed, and the headquarters will remain in St. Louis, Missouri, United States. The combined business will have annual sales of $36.4 billion, which is the equivalent of 46 billion liters of beer per year. In addition to Stella and Budweiser, Anheuser-Busch InBev will bottle Beck’s, Hoegaarden and Staropramen.

Pardon my ignorance, but what the fuck is a Staropramen?

COME ONE, COME ALL TO THE BIG ASS YARD SALE! TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR SPECIAL OFFERS! FOR EVERY AMERICAN COMPANY YOU BUY FROM US, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WILL BE PUT OUT OF WORK! EVERYTHING MUST BE SOLD!!!

Naturally, there have been widespread concerns regarding job security. The two companies have suggested that job losses will be minimal, being that there is currently no overlap between the two businesses.

InBev is strong in Western Europe and Latin American markets. The deal with InBev is expected to give Budweiser a huge boost in growth in Europe. Hoo-fuckin-ray!!!

Becks brewery in Bremen, Germany

Becks brewery in Bremen, Germany

I bet that those poor fuckers who do get a pretty pink slip will be overjoyed the next time they are galavanting through Europe because they will be able to buy a bottle of “Backstabbing” Bud.

Anheuser, which employs 6,000 staff, is in control of nearly half of the US market.

But wait! Those unemployed losers won’t be able to go on a nice holiday because they’re going to be broke. But wait! Surely there are plenty of other jobs just waiting to be had! But wait! No there fucking isn’t, thanks to constant buyouts and outsourcing. Let us thank America, for providing our citizens with great opportunities.

I think that every reader will be happy to know that analysts welcomed this deal with open arms. I know I feel much better about the whole stinking thing. Oh. Wrong again. I forgot that I wasn’t a wealthy analyst. My bad!


[Ed.] Sounds like Pammy’s PISSED OFF !! Good thing I fucking drink RUM !!

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